A Queer Eye for the Straight Cowboy
Word Count 2,711
This is a crossover story. I don’t normally do comedy but I thought that I’d give it a try in honor of the day. I don’t own any of these characters. I don’t make any profit off this story. This is purely for humor. The names are changed to protect the guilty. Remember – this is supposed to be funny! If you can’t see your favorite character in a different sort of light – then don’t read any further!
Scott Lancer was humming to himself as he prepared for his first day on a working ranch. Laid out on his bed were the clothes the tailor in Kansas City had assured him were perfect for ranch life. First he pulled on the skin tight plaid breeches, admiring the way they made his butt look. Satisfied, he started to put on his shirt when a knock came at his bedroom door. After making sure his shirt was securely closed, Scott opened the door to find his gauchely dressed brother patiently waiting for him. For the life of him, Scott couldn’t fathom why Johnny thought that leather and pink went together.
“Mind if I come in?” Johnny asked politely, careful not to enter the room uninvited.
“Sure,” the blonde Lancer responded uncertainly. Opening the door wide, Scott stepped aside to allow his dark haired brother to enter. With a careful eye, he watched as Johnny seemed to scout out the room without touching anything. “Does everything meet with your approval?” Scott asked, puzzled by his brother’s actions.
Johnny raised an eyebrow and a smile quirked at the edge of his mouth. “You plannin’ on wearing those today?”
“Why?” Scott asked indignantly. “I was assured that plaid was the latest fashion!”
“Yeah? Well they ain’t the style around here, Brother…”
“And just what are those ‘high tiders’ you’re wearing – ‘Brother’?”
Johnny looked down at his pants and smiled calmly before heading toward the door. “I’m just telling you, Brother, that plaid ain’t the style.” With that said Johnny started to leave, but then turned as if he had something more to say.
“Get it said, Brother.” Scott sighed impatiently, expecting more criticism of his outfit.
“Nothin’ ‘cept dealing with Day Pardee is gonna be different than anything you’ve ever done…”
“Oh, really…?” Scott questioned dryly.
“I’ve got a plan…” Johnny started, but stopped when Scott yawned as if bored. ‘Well, maybe not…’ Johnny thought with a grin to himself. “We’ll talk about it later.”
“I’m sure I’ll find it fascinating!” Scott called after the disappearing dark head before returning to the mirror. “Not the style?” Scott admired himself again. He felt that the plaid looked good on him – making his legs look thin and his butt as flat as a pancake. “I’ll have to see what Teresa thinks,” picking up his corduroy jacket, he headed toward the door.
As soon as Scott entered the kitchen, the women began to snicker and laugh. Scott shot a glare at Johnny who only raised his hands innocently. “I never said a word to them, I swear!”
“So, what’s the matter with this outfit?” Scott demanded of Teresa.
The girl simply fell apart laughing. “We’re going to have to get you some new clothes if you’re planning on staying around here!”
“Of course I’m staying!” Scott glared.
“Not wearing those you’re not!” Murdoch roared as he entered the room. “Where did you get those…pants?”
“You mean that tailor on Main Street?” Murdoch asked rolling his eyes. He’d seen it too many times. Young men traveling west for the first time were fodder for the clerks at Masons in Kansas City.
“The clerk said that natural fibers were best and that these colors best suited my complexion.” Scott said modeling his outfit. “I think that it fits me well.”
“I’m sure it does, Son. But this is a working ranch. After breakfast why don’t you go into town with Teresa and she’ll show you where you need to shop…”
“No offense, Sir, but I’m quite capable of buying my own clothes!”
“You bought that outfit all by yourself, Brother?” Johnny snickered.
“Of course I did!”
“Then you need help.” Johnny finished his coffee and headed out. “I understand Cipriano has cut out some horses for us. See ya…” With is spurs jangling, Johnny left the house.
“I suppose that I should wear something like that?” Scott asked his father as they watched Johnny saunter outside.
Murdoch had to agree that the pink and brown leather was a bit much – until he looked at what his oldest son was wearing. “No, he can get away with it – he has a rear end to hold his pants up. You…” Murdoch studied his eldest son’s backside and shook his head. “You don’t have much of anything back there.”
Scott nearly choked on his cup of coffee, spilling some on his shirt. “Great!” he swore. Rising he stomped from the room to change his shirt before heading to town.
“Take Teresa, she’ll show you what you should be wearing,” Scott mimicked his father as he drove the buggy to town. Who did the man think he was – some wet behind the ears green horn? He was a Harvard graduate with a distinguished war record. Of course he knew how to buy his own clothes – but he was determined not to look like everyone else who worked at the ranch. Knowing that clothing makes the man, Scott was determined to find his own style.
Driving through town, Scott noticed that the choice in clothing stores were slim to none. There was Baldameros – the general store – that sold the same old things that all the men were wearing. It wouldn’t do. Scott wanted something fresh and new. That was when he spied a pale blue sign at the end of the street. CARSONS II. Could it be? With a slap of the reins, Scott went to see if what he hoped was true.
Sure enough, a branch of his favorite Boston clothier was opening a shop in Moro Coyo. (go figure!) Eagerly, Scott jumped off the buggy and peered through the open door. There, setting up shop were the four men who had helped pick out his wardrobe while he was attending Harvard. With a big smile he entered the shop. “Just the men I need!”
A blonde haired man immediately drinking in the sight of his favorite customer. “Scotty! What are you doing here?” Carson Pressley greeted Scott with a hug.
“I live here now, with my father – Murdoch Lancer!”
“You mean the big guy with the unkempt nails and dry skin?” Kyan Doglass also greeted Scott with a hug, casting an approving eye at Scott’s perfectly quaffed hair.
“That would be him!” Scott answered with a laugh. “What brings all of you to California?”
“Well, things were getting a little uncomfortable for us in Boston…” Thom Pilicia said over his shoulder, putting the final touches on the window display. “It was suggested that we leave town – that Boston wasn’t ready for us…”
“But you were the rave of Harvard!” Scott gushed, taking a seat on the couch while Ted Fallen brought in a pot of steaming tea and freshly baked scones.
Carson took a seat practically on Scott’s lap and threw an arm around the blonde Lancer’s shoulders. “So, what brings you here? You look absolutely fabulous! I love the texture of that coat and the colors in those pants really perk up your complexion.”
“That’s why I’m here,” Scott answered with a sigh. “I’ve been informed by my father and brother that these are not the proper clothes for a working ranch. I don’t know where they get off telling me that! You should see what my brother has chosen to wear – a pink shirt with leather pants…”
“… and a leather bolero jacket?” a fifth man joined the group; he appeared to be Mexican and was very excited by Scott’s description of Johnny’s clothing.
With knitted brows, the blonde Lancer gave the newcomer a confused look. “You know who I mean?”
“Who doesn’t,” Jai Rodriguez smiled dreamily. “Every one knows Johnny Madrid, grrrrrrowwwlll! “I hear that he has a ten inch…”
“Oh, stop it!” Carson admonished his partner. “Scott, this is Jai – he just joined our group a few weeks ago. All we’ve heard since he arrived is how he’s got the hots for Johnny Madrid, and that Johnny doesn’t even know he exists!”
“Well, help me out and perhaps I can set up a meeting!” Scott said, a plan coming together in his mind.
“What can we do?” Ted asked taking a seat next to Thom.
“I need to learn to fit in out here…” Scott stopped and raised an eyebrow, rethinking his request. While he felt comfortable with the five men, they didn’t exactly fit into the western landscape themselves.
“Don’t worry,” Kyan recognized the uncertainty in Scott’s voice. “WE know exactly what you need…”
For the remainder of the day, Jai coached Scott in Spanish, while Ted prepared several local dishes for Scott to try and become accustomed to. Thom put together some decorations for Scott’s new room to personalize it to fit the former Bostonian’s tastes. Kyan instructed Scott how to best protect his skin and hair from the dry California weather while Carson busied himself, putting together a wardrobe fit for the Wild West.
By four o’clock the buggy was filled to the brim with brown wrapped packages. Scott bid his friends a fond farewell, promising to keep his word and bring Johnny by to meet Jai. Happy he had made the correct choices, Scott headed back towards his new home.
With great mystery, Scott carried his bundles up to his room where he carefully hid them under the bed, lest Johnny decide to take a peek at the new look that Scott was planning on unveiling in the morning.
Like an excited school boy, Scott barely slept that night. That all changed in the morning. Johnny had left during the middle of the night. In his note he said that he was going to kill Pardee in an attempt to save the ranch. Murdoch was so distraught by his youngest son’s note that he barely noticed Scott when he made his grand entrance into the great room.
Murdoch’s face hung open as he stared in disbelief at the get up that his blonde son was now wearing. On top of Scott’s head was the largest white ten gallon hat that Murdoch had ever seen. The dark blue shirt was accented with a red scarf – and that was the good part. On his legs, Scott was wearing a pair of light colored pants and a pair of the fuzzy black chaps with white fringe hanging from the sides.
“Is that Buffalo hide you’re wearing?” Murdoch asked his eyes wide in disbelief.
“Don’t you love it?” Scott gushed. “Carson swears that Buffalo hide is going to be all the rage. So, what do you think?”
Dumbstruck, Murdoch didn’t say anything. Teresa entered the room and nearly choked. “A white hat?”
“Kyan says that all the good guys wear white hats and white reflects the effects of the sun so I won’t get burned. Don’t you know anything?” Scott glanced at his father’s hat and noticed that it was brown. For a moment he wondered what a ‘brown’ hat meant, but quickly returned to the stunned looks of his family. “Where’s Johnny? I want to show him…”
“He went to kill Pardee…” Murdoch was about to hand Scott the note when the fire bell rang.
Running to the large glass window behind his father’s desk, Scott threw open the curtain and saw a lone rider trying to out run a group of men chasing behind him. “It’s Johnny! We’ve got to help!”
Murdoch handed his son a rifle and followed him out to the terrace where the rest of their men were gathered to fight for their lives. One look at Scott and his outfit stunned all of the men. Like statues they looked at the blonde Lancer as if he had his head on backwards.
“Señor?” Cipriano was the first to recover and went to his boss. “I have an idea…”
As the riders approached, Scott was sent to stand alone near the fence line. The blonde was unsure about this strategy and felt rather unprotected. His father and Cipriano had assured that he would be ‘covered’ by the rest of the hands.
Johnny was the first to reach his brother. He had just cleared the fence when he and his horse saw Scott. Suddenly, Barranca bucked, sending Johnny flying off – landing with a thud and laying still. The frightened animal then ran off as quickly as it could.
As the other riders came closer, they too were bucked off their horses and abandoned on the ground. Looking around for the cause of their horse’s actions they spied Scott and immediately burst out laughing until they were rolling on the ground, unable to control themselves.
Scott stood his ground, his hands firmly planted on his hips. For the life of him he could not imagine what had caused the animals and riders to react the way they had. After all, he was now properly dressed for the ‘range’. On the other hand, he realized that he had single handedly saved the ranch without a single shot being fired. The Lancer hands quickly rounded up Pardee’s gang – taking them to the old jail that was now used for storage to wait for the sheriff to arrive.
Johnny picked himself up off the ground and took a good look at his brother. A smile split his face at the sight of his Boston bred brother looking like….” Scott – have you ever heard the story of Yosemite Sam? The meanest gunfighter west of the Pecos?”
“No…” Scott answered uncertain of what Johnny was trying to tell him.
“All you need is one of them mustaches that curl up at the ends and you’d be him!” Johnny broke up, quickly followed by Cipriano and his father. “Where did you get that outfit?”
“I bought it at Carson’s in town…”
“That place with the blue sign?” Murdoch asked between gasps for breath.
“Yes, they’re from Boston…”
“Well that explains it!” Johnny guffawed. “That outfit makes you look…”
“What?” Scott interrupted defiantly. “Surely I can’t look more foolish than a grown man wearing pink!”
The smile left Johnny’s face and the gun that was in his holster magically appeared in his hand. “Take them words back, Brother!”
“I will not! You look like a fairy dressed in pink. In fact, there’s a boyfriend waiting for you in town…”
Before Scott could speak another word, his world exploded into darkness.
“Is he gonna be alright?” Jelly asked as Johnny gently tapped Scott’s cheek.
“Sure he is – he just bumped his head when he fell.”
Scott’s eyes fluttered open and he looked into the concerned face of his younger brother. “Johnny…” IN the next instant, his hand went to the center of his chest expecting to find a hole where he’d been shot. Puzzled that his hand was dry, he looked into the blue eyes of his brother. “What happened?”
“Charlemagne threw ya…”
Scott sighed and closed his eyes relieved that it had all been a dream.
“You alright, Boston?”
“Help me up, Johnny.”
Both Jelly and Johnny helped Scott to his feet and supported as they walked back to the house. Briefly Scott related his dream, giving Johnny and Jelly the best laugh they’d had all week. “I don’t understand it,” Scott muttered shaking his head once he was seated by the fireplace. “I haven’t been thrown by a horse in years…”
“It must be that new cologne you’re wearing,” Johnny took a sniff of his brother and shook his head disdainfully. “What’s that stuff called? It sure does stink!”
“My grandfather sent it to me. It’s called O’de April Rain…”
“Well, it smells more like APRIL FOOL, to me!”
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